Viz Tips

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Girls! Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the FUCKING thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - L Christie, U.K.

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they wont know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary