Manchester United Jokes

Did you hear that the post office have recalled all their newly released stamps which had Man Utd faces on as people did not know which side to spit on

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead Man U fan in the middle of the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. If you see a Man U fan on a bike why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What do you have when one hundred Man United fans are buried in the sand?
A. Not enough sand.

WARNING! VIRUS: Man United shirt virus
EFFECT: Hard to detect as it changes it's identity every three months

Q. How many Man United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Seven, One to change it, five to moan about it, and Ferguson to say that if the ref had done his job probably then the light wouldn't have not gone out in the first place.

Q. What do you call 100 Man United fans skydiving from a aeroplane?
A. Diarrhoea

Q. If your trapped in a room with a Tiger, a Rattlesnake and a Man United fan and you have a gun with two bullets what should you do?
A. Shoot the Man United fan, Twice

Q. What do Man United fans use for birth control?
A. Their Personalities

A man meets his friend who is standing by his car that is a complete write-off and has blood leaves and branches on the bonnet. He asks "What's Happened to your car?" To which he replies "I ran over David Beckham". "OK" he said "That explains the blood but what about the branches and the leaves?" He replies "Well He Tried to run away through the park."

Q. What have a three pin plug and Man United got in common?
A. There both useless in Europe.

Four Surgeons are taking a coffee break and....

• The 1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on as when you open them up everything inside is numbered."
• 2nd Surgeon says "Nah, Librarians are the best to operate on as everything inside is in alphabetical order."
• 3rd Surgeon says "Nah, Electricians as everything inside is colour coded."
• 4th Surgeon says "No, Try Manchester United fans, they're spineless, gutless and the faces and bums are interchangeable."

One day Alex Ferguson decides to find out why Arsenal did so well and won the double. He decided to go to Highbury and ask Arsene Wenger. He went to the training session and said "Arsene, how did you manage to keep your players so alert last year?" Arsene replied that he kept the players mentally alert. "I'll show you how" he said as he called Dennis Bergkamp over. "Dennis, He is you fathers son but he is not your brother. Who is he?" Dennis replied " That's easy. Its me!" Arsene explained how it was a continental style of coaching. Alex Fergueson thought that he would have to try this with his players. The next day at training he called David Beckham over. "David, He is your fathers son but he is not your brother. Who is he" he asked. Beckham frowned as he tried to work it out. " I dunno Gaff. Can I let u know tomorrow?" Ferguson obliged and told him that he would ask him again tomorrow. that night Beckham phoned up Jaap Stam thinking that it was one of those foreign coaching ideas and asked him the question. " Japp, the gaff asked me this question and I ain't got a clue to the answer. He is your fathers son but he is not your brother. Who is he?" Jaap replied "Thats easy. Its me" The next day at training Ferguson called Beckham over to the sideline again. "Ok David, lets try the question again. He is your fathers son but hes not your brother. Who is he?" "I know the answer now. Its so easy. Its Jaap Stam!!!" Ferguson angrily shouted "No you stupid idiot! Are you thick or something. Its Dennis Bergkamp!"

A burglary has recently taken place at Old Trafford and the entire contents of the Trophy room has been stolen. Police are looking for a man with a red carpet.

Fire Brigade phone Alex Ferguson. "Alex, a fire is in Old Trafford." "The Cups, save the cups!" cries Alex. "It's okay the fire hasn't reached the canteen yet."

Alex Ferguson was caught speeding on the way to Old Trafford today. Then questioned why he replied "I'll do anything for three points."

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. At the time, a journalist is was taking a stroll through the park. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Liverpool fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a Liverpool fan." The journalist starts again: "Tranmere Rovers fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a Tranmere fan either." The journalist asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Man. United," replies the boy. So Ed starts again: "Obnoxious Red idiot kills beloved family pet."

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "United are good enough to win the treble!" Snow White sighs & says "Well at least Dopey's alive."

Q. What's the difference between a match box and Man United?
A. Alex Ferguson doesn't complain that a matchbox has too many matches every season.