Husband Tech Support

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow-down in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had previously operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as Premier League Football 5.0 and Test Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

Dear Desperate

First keep in mind Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package whereas Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

Remember over-use can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install MotherinLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program - they are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. Personally I would recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck, Tech Support

PS I Think I know why Husband 1.0 is behaving like this. Take a look at the revision history of Husband 1.0 below and you will see why.

Eighteen months ago he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2 which he had used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program PartyGirl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down for several weeks.

Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 1.2 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to all his hardware. Sensing a way out he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this means the system has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0 which he did, largely because whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2001.

However Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to maintain. For example any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and cannot be deleted - they then resurface months later.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter and can, without warning, launch PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip. The latter have no Help files and he has to try and guess the fault himself.

Additional and costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the original system footprint needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser Pro for new attachments, and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to his Porsche 925 program it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called MotherinLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try a Mistress 2001 add-on but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the prescence of Mistress 2001, it will delete all MS Money files before uninstalling itself.

Hope this helps!