Alcohol Troubleshooting
| SYMPTOM | FAULT | ACTION |
| Feet cold and wet | Glass being held at incorrect angle | Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling |
| Feet warm and wet | Improper bladder control | Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training |
| Drink unusually pale and tasteless | Glass empty | Get someone to buy you another drink |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights | You have fallen over backward | Have yourself leashed to bar |
| Mouth contains cigarette butts | You have fallen forward | See above |
| Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet | Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face | Retire to restroom, practice in mirror |
| Floor blurred | You are looking through bottom of empty glass | Get someone to buy you another drink |
| Floor moving | You are being carried out | Find out if you are being taken to another bar |
| Room seems unusually dark | Bar has closed | Confirm home address with bartender |
| Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures | Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations | Cover mouth |
| Everyone looks up to you and smiles | You are dancing on the table | Fall on somebody cushy-looking |
| Drink is crystal-clear | It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up | Punch him |
| Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear | You have been in a fight | Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them |
| Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in | You've wandered into the wrong party | See if they have free alcohol |
| Your singing sounds distorted | The drink is too weak | Have more alcohol until your voice improves |
| Don't remember the words to the song | Drink is just right | Play air guitar |